I know that my blogs are normally light-hearted, or make you hungry, or make you wish that you had taken 30 minutes to work out today (that’s my goal!). Today’s is a little different – if this isn’t what you signed up for, I’m sorry. I have been contemplating sharing this story for some time, because I honestly believe that our trials are what lead us to inspire others, to make other’s realize that they aren’t alone. With that being said, that doesn’t make this any easier for me to share.
The truth is that I had a terrible “image” most of my teenage and young adult life. I was known for a lot of things, and none of them were admirable. When I started this new lifestyle change, and started my business, I got the opportunity to reinvent myself. I got to control how my image and my brand look. With that being said, all of what you see is me – I strive to be the same person behind the keyboard that my friends and family know me as today. So the thought of sharing something that makes me realize I still have absolutely no control… well, that terrifies me.
But… I wouldn’t be doing anyone (including myself) a favor by just showing the highlight reel. This story that you guys follow me on is my real life, and hiding a part of it because it’s less than ideal is not what I set out to do, so I’m going to continue to remain an open book, even through the trials and trying times.
Disclaimer; men, if you’re out there, I appreciate your support, but now might be a good time for you to stop reading. If you choose to continue, you might learn about things you never had any interest in being a part of.
My husband and I bought our house in February, and we had known for quite some time that we wanted to start growing our family once we were in our “forever home”. I had been on Birth Control and then Nuvaring for at least the past 12 years, so I knew that my body needed some time to get back to it’s natural state. In December, I stopped using the Nuvaring to allow that to happen.
After stopping it, my body seemed to be lost and confused, like it had no guidance. My cycles never returned, and I never started ovulating. After months of waiting, I started to get concerned and saw my doctor, who started me on medication to induce my cycle. One failed attempt lead to many others, all in different forms of medication and testing.
I had every intention of writing this post today with a different agenda; that I was finally able to start the Clomid prescription I was given. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Clomid is an oral medication that is meant to stimulate ovulation, and it is packed full of hormones. The biggest problem with Clomid? I must have a cycle in order to start it, which is what we’ve been working for over the last 5 months.
I finished yet another round of medications last week and have been searching high and low for a sign of Aunt Flow, and on Sunday, I thought that she sent her tiny little friend to visit (very very tiny), but come yesterday, the friend was nowhere to be found and my doctor didn’t seem to think that was enough to get started.
As I’m typing this, I realized that sharing now is probably not great timing, as I don’t have an answer, or a “next step” to tell you all about. I’m waiting patiently (not patiently at all) for the nurse to call me back with further instructions. But, I felt guilty for keeping such a big part of my journey behind closed doors, and to be honest, couldn’t NOT talk about this anymore because it’s weighing on my mind and heart.
I hear stories about women who take years to get pregnant, and my heart is with all of you. Some of you might say that 5 months isn’t that long to not be pregnant yet, which I completely agree. The fact that we aren’t pregnant isn’t the part that’s upsetting. I think it’s more of the fact that we basically haven’t even been trying, because my body won’t cooperate enough to get us to that first step.
Not having control over what your body is doing is probably one of the most frustrating things I’ve experienced. Life is ironic, isn’t it? I spent YEARS doing everything in my power to not get pregnant, and now that the time is finally right, why can’t I just flip the switch?
It’s very hard not to feel disappointed, or stressed about the whole idea of this. Mostly because I am taking better care of my body now than I ever have, and it isn’t doing what it was literally made to do. Also, disappointed because we really wanted this to be more a natural, less mechanical process. I think my biggest fear in sharing this is now there are other people waiting for exciting news just as much as we are. I don’t want to disappoint any family or friends if this is a long process, if this involves more than we had planned, or if this becomes too much for us to take on.
I know that God has an incredible plan for our life and our marriage, and that a baby can come in many different ways at any time, and that makes this journey just a little bit easier.
Photo Credits to Rock Bottom Photo
I will be sure to keep you all up to speed on this journey, and I appreciate you letting me use this outlet to talk about more than pancakes from time to time.
Now… it’s time to stop worrying and wishing and focusing on things that can’t be controlled, and get back to… the pancakes, that can be made exactly how I like them!