As some of you know, I am obsessed with Target. I mean, obsessed sounds kind of crazy, but I go there more than once a day sometimes. My husband asked me the other day why I don’t make a list of what I need, so I don’t have to keep running back there. HA…have to? I don’t know what I would do with my life. Everyone needs a hobby, right?
You may also know that since December of 2014, we’ve been trying to get pregnant, with no luck. If you haven’t read my story, the issue lies somewhere in the fact that I’m not ovulating, or having a monthly cycle at all, so when I say “we’re trying” that might not be completely the truth. I mean, we are trying, but it’s almost as if we’re not, because my body just is not cooperating.
A few months ago, we decided to take a break from the medicine. It was taking a toll on lots of areas in both of our lives, and we had some fun travel planned over the summer and early fall that we wanted to enjoy, without stressing or worrying about not feeling good. But now, the travel is over (booooo) and it’s time to start thinking about our plans for moving forward on this journey.
I’ve been trying incredibly hard not to think about any of this – ever hear someone say “we just stopped stressing and it happened!” Well…. not the case here. I mean, does anyone ever really STOP stressing about this completely? If so, good for them – that’s a tough one to pretend doesn’t exist. I’m a bit of a control freak anyway, so it’s hard for me to stop worrying about my grocery list, let alone my body and future child.
You know how when you focus on something, you seem to see it EVERYWHERE? I’m sure that there aren’t any more pregnant women in my life today than there were last year, but it feels like they are just popping up left and right. A few friends just recently found out that they were expecting, and my newsfeed is covered in adorable women with adorable baby bumps visiting pumpkin patches, knowing that next year, they will dress a little lovebug in boots and a sweater (adorable, right?) and sit them down next to a pumpkin to document their first Halloween. I think it sort of all just came crashing down on me yesterday, wandering through the aisles of target.
I was there buying yet another ovulation testing kit and prenatal vitamins. I started to think about how many of these things I’ve purchased, and how each and every time I walk up to the cashier holding them, I am positive that this time is going to be the time that it works, that it “just happens!”
I was in the aisle where they put the stuff for people who are already pregnant, like the belly butter and morning sickness lollipops, and a young girl with a cute little baby bump and her mom came into the aisle, searching for something. When I say young, I would guess mid-teens, high school aged. No judgement here, and this is NOT meant to be offensive by any means, because I know that life happens differently for all of us, and a baby is a blessing, no matter when it enters your life. But it’s just funny, how different each of our stories are. For couples who have a difficult time getting pregnant, it’s sort of crazy to think that babies are a surprise, or unplanned. At this point in my life, I’ve started to wonder how anyone, ever, gets pregnant, without pills, thermometers, calendars, and dozens of sticks to pee on.
I know that I’m only seeing things through my lenses, that there are problems far worse than mine, and that God has a miraculous plan for mine and Ryan’s lives, whether that be as parents or not, but I think I just needed a good cry about it all.
So, I sat down on the floor of Target, next to the condoms, ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests (The perfect progression of marriage, right? Some things just take longer than others I guess), and I had myself a little cry sesh.
If you’re from Columbus, you know that when Ohio State is playing football, it’s like a ghost town in every business that isn’t a bar. Thankfully, most of my city was more concerned with their events and the game than my meltdown in Target, so there was no one passing through that aisle that was alarmed or scared for (or because of) me.
When I finally got up, I actually felt better. I know that sounds strange – crying in a Target alone on a Saturday night, while basking in the dirt of everyone’s shoes and comparing myself to a teenager who has much different struggles than I have, made me feel better. But, isn’t that just life? So… back to smiling, praying, peeing on sticks, and remembering what a perfectly imperfect life that I’ve been given. And so have all of you! I’m slowly learning that no matter how put together someone looks, how cute their clothes are, how dedicated they stay to their meal plan and workouts, no one has everything figured out. When you start to compare your story to others, try to look beyond their highlight reel, and realize that they might be sitting on the floor of a Target somewhere, crying about something that’s kept behind the scenes. Enjoy YOUR journey, and celebrate others, even when that area of your life isn’t perfect or you can’t relate, because figuring it all out is hard sometimes, and I think we need all the love we can get.
Here’s to making babies, spending more time smiling than crying, and having fun at Target from here on out. Happy Sunday, sweet friends!