I've never been very good at stillness.
I've written and deleted some version of this post 3 different times. I started writing it on a flight to Vegas and gave up. I tried writing it on the way home from Vegas and gave up again (and by gave up I mean it took everything in me to breathe because we hit massive turbulence). I tried writing it a few days ago and I couldn't find words. This is attempt number 4. If I'm honest, it's because I don't really want to be writing this at all - but I need to.
I don't know about you guys, but my emotions seem to have an on switch. Every few months, I can feel the "infertility emotion" pushing up against the tough bubble I've created around it. I typically fight it for a few weeks, eventually hit full on meltdown mode, and the switch happens. The problem with eventually giving in and allowing the switch to turn on is that the off switch doesn't work. I don't get to call the shots anymore. It's as if simply acknowledging that I am still that girl who is indeed looking 2+ years of infertility in the face opens the floodgates.
Honestly, I have this romantic story written in my head that God's going to use us and our journey to show how powerful and good He is. In my fairytale, we miraculously end up pregnant, without any medications or injections. We defy the odds and the diagnosis. We trust Him and His timing and He does what only He can do. Like Sarah and Abraham.